Balance (2022) was my first short film, but it was far from my first creative endeavor. For years, I had played around with writing scripts, experimenting with editing programs, and even maintaining a niche YouTube channel. I’ve always felt a strong desire to create, but due to my fluctuating and often poor mental health, I would bounce from one idea to another.

When I began work on Balance, I was at an unfortunate cross-roads. I had familial problems bursting at the seams, complications of (what nobody knew at the time) autism, identity searching and confusion regarding my sexuality and gender identity, education in which I loved but extremely isolating and my first job. Even typing it up, in retrospect, it seems a bit much. To put it simply, everyone else in and out of my life was on a different page – all with their own struggles and changes. I had no security and for a while no home. I didn’t know who I was or who everyone was wanting me to be. Such an alienating experience.

Strangely enough, when I was most alone and in the most danger, I felt the most at peace. Perhaps it was delusion or just my penitent habit of finding beauty in my worst. I was a sixteen year old girl, walking two to three miles alone late at night. I should of been disturbed. Maybe I was. The inky roadside, blissfully quiet. The only light being infrequent humming bulbs peaking out the leaves. Such a minimalist environment bursting with life, and a passerby would never notice. Every miniscule detail swayed along to some muted ochrestral music, like an invisible epic. As I walked I felt as though I had no pain, no worries. Even my swollen soles blistering against my shoes seemed trivial. Ironic considering that all my frequent concerns culminated in the stinging seclusion.

This contrast of the same topic standing as both agony and allure, was unforgettable. How could I absorb something so pleasurable and later hand craft it into a nightmare? Even more confusing is how did this feeling always revert? Without fail I would live in a cycle I was aware of. This concept is what at it’s core this short film is about. The stylisation and narrative came second to what I felt. That is my purpose to create, to digest.

Overall Balance (2022) is fairly avant-garde and amateurish, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

– El Marcel